Funnyman Ricky Gervais won't be attending this year's Oscars - causing Hollywood stars to breathe a sigh of relief.
But the 49-year-old has still managed to put words in the mouth of hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco.
The comedian, who sparked controversy when he presented January's Golden Globes, has written an alternative script for Sunday's award ceremony, which he has posted on his website.
The script has Anne saying that there are 'No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.'
Franco replies: 'Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carrell's part in the English remake of The Office.'
Anne then explains that Gervais is in London doing some charity work and says: 'He's visiting orphans with cancer. He's telling them what bald little losers they are... '
And the actress also says to Franco: 'Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.'
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